Insomnia

Why does my brain always decide to go into overdrive late at night? 

As kids, most of us have a fear of monsters lurking under our beds or hiding in our closets, waiting for our parents to be away before they creep out into the shadows to torment us. Now instead of nameless monsters, the "what if's" and "should have's" are the ones that plague us when left to our own devices. What if I do things this way next semester? I should have handled that situation differently. What if I can't repair that friendship? I should have helped out more throughout my life. The list can go on and on... not just for me but for everyone. I can't possible be the only one in this world wasting sleep over things that are out of my control... at least in those wee hours of the early morning in most cases. And with each ongoing insomniac battle, I loose a little more mental sanity to cope with everything later on. These small little creatures morph into oppressing monsters in the shadows... waiting for me to be on my own. But at the same time... I'd rather face them then stuff them back under my bed to cohabit with the dust bunnies. Those darn bunnies will teach them more than they need to know about rabbity ways... soon my problems will have jumped in population from a few to a thousand... just because I'm too scared to face them one on one when I can actually handle them as they happen. 

Ok.... Even I probably won't understand this ridiculous rambling metaphor in the morning. But all I can really say is:

Welcome to my reality.

Drama Drama

The topic of the play "Corpus Christi" has been beaten to death around Tarleton State University's campus. There are a lot of arguments surrounding it: Freedom of Speech, Homosexuality, Religion, and an intriguing combination of all three. I'm sure anyone in the surrounding area of Stephenville has heard about the play, has taken a stance, and pissed a circle around the issues. I won't go into much detail of the play itself other than to say that the Director, John Otte, his cast and crew, and the faculty involved did an absolutely amazing job and I'm honored that I was able to see a their dress rehearsal.  

The issues that concern me the most with the cancelation of not just the Corpus Christi play but the all 4 as well as the Jazz Festival, other than the obvious threats of violence, are the fact that Freedom of Speech was slapped in the face, and the intolerance shown so harshly. There seemed to be four groups in all of the mayhem: 

1. The religious zealots who angrily protested the idea of Christ and his Disciples being portrayed as gay and couldn't see beyond that.
2. The homophobic crowd... 'nough said
3. The "Pro-Play" people, whether it be for its brave stance or simply out of friendship or respect for those involved
4. And the people who may not have agreed with all of the context of the play but were still willing to respect the people involved and their Rights, as well as the Rights of all of those who were interested in viewing the play themselves.

To say that there were simply just these 4 groups would be a complete falsehood and each of us are, more than likely, an odd combination of these examples as well as a dash of completely personal ideals. 

Each of our lives has defined us in completely unique ways. The only person I can speak for is myself. Like I mentioned before, I was able to see the dress rehearsal for the play and I’m truly grateful that I was able to do so. I do not agree that Christ nor his Disciples were gay but instead of getting stuck on that, I was able to see the play for what John was hoping. It’s a piece about love… pure love. It was a very intriguing way to display it but I can’t think of a more powerful statement. To watch people that I see all the time reveal such personal glimpses of themselves was extremely humbling and to say it was moving would be an understatement. Yes they were acting, but watching the play, I couldn’t help but think about how several of them wouldn’t be able to escape the reality that was created on the stage… the line between fantasy and reality was painfully blurred. 

The hardest part of the play for me to witness wasn't the religious aspect of it, rather than hearing and seeing all the hurtful words and actions done against fellow human beings when they were portraying characters other than those of the Disciples. I'm insanely thankful for the life experiences I've gone through in order to make me into a more tolerant and accepting person. It kills me that, I'm apparently, judging from the actions of the citizens in and around Tarleton and Stephenville, capable of such hatefulness. How can a person live like that with such hate burning in them? I can't even be angry with most of them at this point... I just feel sorry that they're counting out so many people they would have the opportunity to get to know and love. 

But to sum up everything, I think Voltaire said it the best: "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."

If we don't have the freedom to discover and share who we are... then what is the point of this craziness we call life?  

What is love? Baby don't hurt me

Something that has been on my mind lately is how often people, including myself, use the word "love"in every day life. I tell my parents, I tell my friends, I've even been known to tell inanimate objects that I love them... I'm weird, get over it. But the issue I've been struggling with is this: By using the "L" word so often, does that lessen the meaning? Or simply make you a more loving person?


The "L" word has gotten me into some pretty sticky situations as far as romantic relationships have gone. I'm horrible about saying "I love you, too" after a certain point in the relationship if the guy says it often and long enough... but simply out of peer pressure! There is only so long you can respond with a smile, a kiss, or something lame like "aww that's so sweet" before they start getting frustrated. I'm not saying that I didn't have feelings for them because I most certainly did. But they were saying and expecting a declaration of romantic love and the one that I would eventually give them was a confession of friendly or familial love. That in and of itself, I don't believe, is a bad thing. The bad part was that I knew they were taking it in a way I didn't mean it... and I let them live in that sugary assumption. 


Even though I do tell a lot of people that I love them.. I still don't take the word and it's meaning lightly. Like with past romantic relationships, the reason I never told them that I loved them in the way they wanted is for the simple fact that LOVE is terrifying for me! I've often worried that I've psyched myself out so much at this point that I wouldn't even recognize the big love even if it were staring me in the face... which is also terrifying. I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with issues like this but humans are very ego centric and we like to delude ourselves into the concept of being the center of universe and the only ones capable of such complex emotions at times. We're all allowed to be that paranoid, self conscious, emo freshman girl sometimes... yes, even you gentlemen out there. 

The killer thing is that I see examples of Love all around me every day. I know my parent's love each other... you should see the way my Dad looks at my Mom when she's not paying attention. Friends are getting engaged, planing on popping that question, moving in together, taking vacations together, planing special nights out together, or simply testing the waters... but all have the hope at reaching that big L. I'm a firm believer that every one is capable of love and being loved... it's just a harder concept to apply to myself. Like I said, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my pets.... I've had hints and possibilities with guys... but either I'm too scared, too jaded, or too cynical when it comes to myself. 

Hopefully I'll be able to gear up for that free fall someday... but for now I'll just enjoy the show.

Cabin Fever

As any of my family members or close friends can probably tell you, I'm a true blue Introvert at heart. When faced with the option of being around a ton of people or being by myself, I'll choose being a hermit hands down. But it's not good for me and, over the years, I've tried to push myself out there more... become more social and more open to the experiences that only other people can offer me. The down side to busting open part of my cozy shell is now, when left to my own devices for too long, I start to get a little stir crazy. And going stir crazy can lead me into several directions... usual that means I'm gonna be a grumpy bum up in my room and pout. And other times, I catch onto unusual whims to where I'm actually, slightly, productive. I've been hashing out a better version of my resume which is a biggie because I NEED TO STOP BEING A LAZY SPOILED BRAT AND GET A REAL JOB!!! 


I also was able to play around with my camera yesterday when the sun was (GASP) actually shinning! I'm a sucky photographer but I still love it. I don't have a great camera and half my pictures aren't focused in the way I want... but it still makes me happy to get out there and take pictures of nature at it's finest... not to mention act like a paparazzi around my friends and take so many pictures of them that their facebook pages are flooded with tags and comments the following day. When I was younger I used to hoard random knick knacks in my room... most of which probably looked like scraps of trash but I could pick them up and tell you the reason behind all of them even years later. I'm slowly getting out of that habit because I really do hate being a pack rat... but then the magic of technology was opened to me and now I can store millions of memories and share them with everyone as well through pictures, videos, songs, and my own ramblings.

 I suppose it goes along with my nature of wanting to remember ever moment... because, as lame as it sounds: 

Every moment is a life changing one. 

Tarleton Take 2(?)

Alright.. so it's been longer than I thought it would take to catch up with life and get into a routine. I've started back at Tarleton with a whopping 4 hours but I'm still loving the fact that I'm starting to get back into the grove of things here. I'm taking Environmental Sociology (so if I go off into random tangents about climate shifts and carbon footprints you can blame Dr. Key) as well as Concert Band. It's been over a year since I've played so I'm still pretty rough and my tuning wouldn't even impress a jr high band director at this point but I'm still excited to play the French horn again! I've missed it more than I realized. 

On top of my 4 hours I'm also active again in Kappa Kappa Psi (National Honorary Band Fraternity). I'm pumped for the pledge season again and hoping that I'll be able to get an amazing little bro! For those who know me in real, day to day, life, you know that I love my Brothers like true family members and I'm all about the work our organization does for the band and band members. I'll try to keep you updated on some of the workings and projects of the Theta Kappa Chapter of Kappa Kappa Psi over this coming semester.


On a less fun note... I've recently gotten some gruff over some of the things I've posted on my blog. I'll tell you right now that I will never put anything intentionally offensive on my blog... but my Constitutional Rights allow me the Freedom of Speech. This is my outlet and I will use it as such. I apologize if I have offended you in any way but I will not apologize for my opinion nor will I ever delete or edit out portions of my blog. They're a reflection of me and my personality. The simple solution seems that: If you don't like what you're reading... simply stop reading it! You have to go out of your way to view my blog; it's not posted in a massively public forum like facebook for that very reason. I struggle to see how I could have hurt individuals with previous post but I will strive to be more conscious of my audience.


Well the rest of the world (along with my sociology reading) is calling my name. Thank you for your time and baring with the Randomosity :)

Troops and Trials

In a couple of hours my best friend Dustin will be in the air on his way to his Navy boot camp for 8 weeks. My brother made the announcement Christmas morning that he was enlisting in the Air Force. The better part of a dozen friends I've made at Tarleton over the years are/were involved in ROTC. A guy I used to date in high school is currently in the Army. The list could go on and on but I'm guessing you get my drift. I'm surrounded by countless brave men and woman dedicated to serving their country body and soul. I count myself lucky to have such self sacrificing friends and family and I don't thank them often enough for what they do.

It was hard saying so-long to Dustin (in my family we don't ever say goodbye). He's always been there for me... even when I was in Utah. Out of all my friends at Tarleton, he called and updated me the most often; outdoing all my other past roomies and frat brothers with ease. He keeps reminding me that it's just like when I moved to Utah for 6 months... I came back for a visit about 2 months in and so will he when he gets done with boot camp. The only difference is that when I was in Utah, we could call, text, email and IM constantly! This is more reminiscent of my brother's two year mission where all we could do really was write letters. At least I have some practice in that area and writing is something that I enjoy. And I'll have the plus of having his "son" Gus around to cuddle with when I start missing him too much. 


I suppose that seeing my "Brother" go off to military land will be good practice for me having to see my actual biological brother go himself. I should honestly be used to Bruver being gone (the whole two year mission thing) but it's still not going to be easy. Sure he was in a foreign country before hand.. but not in the middle of any hardcore danger (unless you count Taiwan's traffic... on second thought, yeah, that counts). I'll take doors slamming in his face over any sort of projectiles any day. But it's what he wants... what he's wanted since before his mission actually. 

I just can't help but worry.. it's in my nature. 

Clean Slate??

Every year at this time, your friends and family are flooding you with all of their resolutions for the new year: loose weight, finish those books, run that marathon, tackle the nasty lack of organization problem... you know the drill. Well this year I was presented with the ever popular "I'm going to forgive" proposition from a few different people (and yes, one or two directed towards me... no one is perfect). I find it interesting, and slightly refreshing, that these people are being honest; they will try to forgive but make no promise of trying to forget. Fair enough. I believe there's always going to be a debate over whether or not it's true forgiveness if you don't forget it and move on. A lot of people over the years (including myself at times) have had issues with the concept of "burying the hatchet" only to leave the handle sticking out of the ground. Yeah the painful issue is out of sight... but that handle is conveniently there to grab and pull the issue out again when it's beneficial in, more than likely, a completely separate argument. Don't be naive or stubborn and claim you haven't done it. You have. But on the flip side, I don't think it's altogether wise to completely forget about a past wrong doing. It would be nice to believe that everyone learns from their mistakes... but more often than not, we do prove ourselves to be "creatures of habit" and do tend to make the same mistakes over and over again until we truly do WANT to change... even then it's not always a walk in the park. I mess up and I'll be the first to admit it. I'm not trying to have a pessimistic outlook on life by refusing to have a sugar coated resolution of "I'm going to be 100% better in every single thing I do" ... I'm being realistic in saying that every day, I'm going to try and be the best me that I can. And that's not something that I save for the first and last few weeks of a year... it's an every day/every year/every moment deal for me and has been for as long as I can remember. And I think it's true for a large portion of the people you meet everyday. Stop using the excuse of a "fresh start" to start being the person you know you can be.

On that note: Time for another book!! I just finished reading "forget about it" by Caprise Crane. It's a hilarious book about a pushover who takes advantage of an accident to fake having amnesia in order to start living life in a way she felt she couldn't before. She thwarts her pushy/oppressive mother and sister, stands up to a boss who has been claiming her work, and kicks her d-bag/sorry excuse for a boyfriend to the curb. On the surface these are all great things but the person she starts becoming takes away from some of the good that she was. The real kicker is that she ends up having another accident where she REALLY gets amnesia. It's interesting to see the difference between the character in the beginning, the pretender, and the true victim. (For some of those psychology buffs out there it's a fun farce of the whole ID/Ego/Super Ego concept). I don't want to spoil any more but it definitely got my mind thinking about the person I would choose to be if I was able to take advantage of a situation like that. Food for thought.

Well I'm off to clean and finish tackling my own organizational messes... as well as give attention to the "Needy One" (AKA: Gus: Dustin's chihuahua (pssst! go read his blog at www.dustinsparkman.blogspot.com)). I promise I'll try not to give a review of EVERY book I read... just the good ones!

Black. White. Grey?

So on one of my recent trips to a used book store with my mom, I was FINALLY able to find a copy of John Howard Griffin's "Black Like Me". It's an amazing account about his attempt to better understand what Blacks in the South were experiencing in the late fifties/early sixties. He undergoes taking a medication to darken his skin as well as using stains in order to make himself appear black. Using his skills as a journalist, he is able to make an anthropological and sociological study of the events he experiences as both a black member of society as well as a white member as he switches back and forth. It's an insanely powerful book. In 2006, there was a TV documentary called "Black. White." done in 6 weeks that involved a black family and a white family using makeup and the other family's help to blend into the opposite community. Although they didn't go through a lot of the same struggles Griffin did, it certainly showed that racism is still here and still a problem. 

I was raised with a black sister so I count myself extremely lucky to have been raised "colorblind" as my Dad jokingly called it at one point. Growing up, Kolean had even convinced me for a good 2 years that I was the one that was adopted. When the difference between our skin tones was actually blatantly pointed out (by an adult), my dad took us all up to the barn and started pointing out some of the horses... one was brown, another tan, and a paint mare with brown spots. My dad asked us what they were and we responded "horses". He then asked if their colors made them any better or worse than the other one. We all said no.. we loved all of the horses (lol well maybe not Kolean so much... she pretty much avoided the barn usually as a general rule of thumb once she broke into being a little diva). He told us that he agreed. The color of the horse doesn't matter... it's still a horse. Just like the color of the person doesn't matter... they're still a person. And that was the end of it. We all shrugged, wondering what the big deal was anyway, and went about playing. 


To say that race has never been an issue in our family would be a lie. But it has definitely made for some learning experience for every single member of our family. And the lessons keep coming... especially now that my 5 year old nephew is starting to notice the color difference. It breaks my heart sometimes when he gets frustrated that he's not "white like Papa." It's never going to stop being a factor of our lives. And, as sad as it makes me to say it, it's going to be a continuing factor of the American society. Black, Caucasian, Hispanic, Native American, Indian, Muslim, Gay.... whether it's a race, ethnicity, religion, or life style, people in the country are forever putting a label on it and setting it apart from everything else. By acknowledging such "huge" differences, we're giving them power and relevancy. The United States of America has never been the "Melting Pot" it claims to be and never will at this rate. 

Why can't people simply be people? 

Christmas Caos

The holidays are going to be hectic with any family you encounter. Mine is no different. This year I'll be celebrating with my parents, my brother David/Joseph/whatever-he's-going-by-this-week, my sister Kolean, and her son Bryce. He's 5 and already has a firm grasp on the concept of receiving gifts. What he hasn't gotten a hold of is the fact that his "Daddy" won't be joining us this year. In all reality, the man he calls Daddy isn't even his biological father. My sister and Terrance were engaged for a while and living together so that's who Bryce considers his father. Terrance still helps my sister out and tries to be some semblance of a father for Bryce... when it's convenient. I love my sister. I do not, however, love most of the men she has dated over the years. They all start off great but sooner or later, they all break down into the same characterizations: controlling, jealous, and, more often than not, at least slightly emotionally abusive. But with a Mom like her... Bryce is pretty much set. He's always going to have that yearning for a father... but her love for him covers both parental roles and then some.


We all want that perfect traditional Christmas experience. Love, laughter, the smell of a good meal wafting through the house, swapping gifts and stories around the tree in front of the fire while it snows outside... the works. And for the most part, we capture most of it.. even if it's just for a moment. I'm a firm believer that you can't have an absolutely perfect Christmas... but you can have so many perfect Christmas moments. Even if it's just making your nephew laugh before bedtime by singing Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer with him. Or seeing your parents sneak a kiss under the wilting mistletoe when they think no one is watching. I absolutely adore the air of the Holiday season. And I'll admit to being a sucker for Christmas music... if I knew it wouldn't annoy my friends and family to tears, I would gladly listen to most of the songs year-round. I wish that the feeling of "glad tidings to all" would last throughout the year. The part of Christmas I hate (other than stores putting up decorations right after Halloween) is the fact that we have to have a commercialized holiday set aside to actually be decent to our fellow human beings. 

My Christmas wish, as it is every year, is that the humanity we experience and celebrate so thoroughly this time of year will last a few months longer.